A Valentine's Guide for the Rest of Us

Happy Valentine's Day. Or as I call it, Saturday with better marketing.

Here's my gift to you - a survival guide. Not for the couples. The couples are fine. The couples have reservations and matching pyjamas and a shared Netflix account they'll fight over in eighteen months. This is for everyone else.

1. Do not text your ex. I know. I know. It's 11pm and you've had wine and your brain is telling you "just check in, it's harmless." It's not harmless. It's a grenade with a smiley face. Put the phone in another room. Put it in the fridge.

2. Do not go to a restaurant alone tonight. Any other night, eating alone is powerful. Tonight it's performance art nobody asked for. The waiter will look at you with pity. The couple next to you will lower their voices. You will feel like an exhibit. Stay home. Order in. Eat over the sink in your underwear like a champion.

3. Buy yourself flowers. I'm serious. Not as a sad substitute. As a power move. Walk into the shop. Pick the expensive ones. Don't wait for someone to guess your favourite. You know your favourite. You've always known.

4. If someone sends you a "happy valentine's day :)" text with that smiley face - block them. That's not romance. That's a man casting a wide net at low effort. You are not a net fish. You are a woman with standards. Presumably.

5. If you're going to cry, commit. None of this single tear down the cheek nonsense. That's for movies and women named Clover. If you're going to cry, lie on the floor. Put on something dramatic. Let it out. Then wash your face, put on lipstick, and go be alive somewhere.

6. Do not download a dating app "just to see." You will not just see. You will see forty-seven men holding fish. You will see a man whose bio says "fluent in sarcasm." You will see a shirtless mirror selfie taken in a bathroom that should be condemned. You will feel worse. Delete it. You already knew this.

7. Have sex if you want. With someone you like. With someone you don't. With yourself. With the battery-operated contents of your bedside drawer. Valentine's Day doesn't own your orgasms. You do.

8. Remember: this day was invented by a card company to sell paper to people who can't say "I love you" without a prompt. You don't need a prompt. You don't need a day. You don't need a man named Kael to complete you.

You need a cigarette, a city that doesn't care, and the knowledge that tomorrow is February 15th and everything goes back to normal.

Happy Saturday.

Laura